Skip to main content

Why making deals is not a good deal

Four years ago, my life was levelled.  Not plateaued.  Levelled. The difference is this: When something plateaus, it is said to be existing on a stagnant plane.  Sort of an inactive, constant, and possibly complacent state.  When one is levelled, it means to be decimated. To be sent back to the beginning.  If one were a number, one would be a zero.

So four years ago, I went from a six digit income and a career to . . . nothing, because I chose to stand up and not back down. I chose to say no, instead of yes. I chose, some might say, selfishly, to act on my own integrity and well being.  In short I chose  . . . me.

I have to say the fallout was not what I expected. I wasn’t thinking about fallout. I was thinking about survival at the time. Survival of the moment.  Of finding my way past this terrible impasse and moving beyond it.

I did inevitably find my way past the impasse because I gave myself a deadline, and I drove the process to my deadline.  There was fallout for about two years - of regret, of shame, of wishing I could have said yes one more time, of wishing I had not said no.

The other day, my good friend who shares my profession as a communications professional said that I was ‘damaged goods’ in the employment market, and I am, in the eyes of the system, because I am too much of a risk.  I am not a yes person. I might say no. I might fight back. I might  . . .

I accepted my new path, and found my own way, I thought.  I created my own company and went to work building a new life.  In the beginning, I was looking for the opportunity to build new relationships that would ultimately lead to building my career back up.  Just like I had in my previous life, I made deals. I said that I would work for less than I should have in return for the opportunity to be at the table and prove my worth.

Four years later, I find myself in the same place. Those deals have not materialized into profitable business opportunities.  I am a little upset with myself for making deals in the first place, but then, what else did I know? What choice did I have?  I was an unknown in the new world, and too much of a risk for the old.

So here I am again, at the precipice, preparing myself to walk away. Hopefully I will know better next time that my self worth is worth something.  

Popular posts from this blog

50 over 50

These are things I know for sure.
That time is finite
That beauty is subjective
That every day
 both time and beauty
as it was defined mere seconds ago
That life is too short to fade away into the background of time.
That life is too short not to ask for what you want, and expect it.
That life is too short to wait, and wish.
That there is a price to pay, but the time spent wishing is a greater loss.
otherwise I know

Not sobbing. Just streaming tears.

For my friend, D. 

Arms stretched forward, heels together, and legs reaching the outer edges of my towel,  I close my eyes, breathing, listening to the sound of my breath,  paying attention to its cadence, to its depth.  With each breath, my chest would rise and fill, my spine lifting and releasing. 
My body is alive beneath me - no it's actually vibrating.   There is just too much stimuli. Too many thoughts.  Too many things to do. Too many questions. Too many doubts.  Child's Pose - a total surrender - a total shut down of my nervous system
to cradle it back to life.   
Breath comes in. Breath leaves.  Body lifts, then lowers, lifts, then lowers.   My chest falls closer to the bathroom floor.  Knees widening as the weight of my body pushes its way through
this barrier of bones, tissue and muscle,
submitting to the the floor, free falling with each breath. 
The tears start to come. No they are streaming now.  And I am breathing.   I don't stop them. What's the use? Th…

Living an Audacious Life, in Shoes.

I am just flying home after a week in Vancouver, visiting inspiring shops, and buying shoes for the fall season. This is our third buy since taking over the store and giving it a new life.

The word for this fall season is "Audacious".

To have the audacity to stand up and stand out in your own personal vision of who you are.
To have the audacity to walk into a room and own it.
To have the audacity to know what you want, and to go for it, unabashedly.
To have the audacity to fall in love, and learn to land on the way down.
To have the audacity to   . . . you.

Everyone asks if this is my dream come true, and I guess on days like this it is.