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Why making deals is not a good deal

Four years ago, my life was levelled.  Not plateaued.  Levelled. The difference is this: When something plateaus, it is said to be existing on a stagnant plane.  Sort of an inactive, constant, and possibly complacent state.  When one is levelled, it means to be decimated. To be sent back to the beginning.  If one were a number, one would be a zero.

So four years ago, I went from a six digit income and a career to . . . nothing, because I chose to stand up and not back down. I chose to say no, instead of yes. I chose, some might say, selfishly, to act on my own integrity and well being.  In short I chose  . . . me.

I have to say the fallout was not what I expected. I wasn’t thinking about fallout. I was thinking about survival at the time. Survival of the moment.  Of finding my way past this terrible impasse and moving beyond it.

I did inevitably find my way past the impasse because I gave myself a deadline, and I drove the process to my deadline.  There was fallout for about two years - of regret, of shame, of wishing I could have said yes one more time, of wishing I had not said no.

The other day, my good friend who shares my profession as a communications professional said that I was ‘damaged goods’ in the employment market, and I am, in the eyes of the system, because I am too much of a risk.  I am not a yes person. I might say no. I might fight back. I might  . . .

I accepted my new path, and found my own way, I thought.  I created my own company and went to work building a new life.  In the beginning, I was looking for the opportunity to build new relationships that would ultimately lead to building my career back up.  Just like I had in my previous life, I made deals. I said that I would work for less than I should have in return for the opportunity to be at the table and prove my worth.

Four years later, I find myself in the same place. Those deals have not materialized into profitable business opportunities.  I am a little upset with myself for making deals in the first place, but then, what else did I know? What choice did I have?  I was an unknown in the new world, and too much of a risk for the old.

So here I am again, at the precipice, preparing myself to walk away. Hopefully I will know better next time that my self worth is worth something.  

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