45 - From “How to be a Pink Flamingo in a Brown Duck Pond”

When they look at me

They see someone else
Someone’s mother,
Someone’s wife
Someone’s something.

I know my freedom is near
Deep down inside me
But so far away
So distant that I can’t touch it
Can see it
Don’t know what it looks like

I am alone in this journey
Because everyone has something to gain
By my staying the same.
Everyone has a stake
In my never changing.
The courage that it would take to let go
To freefall
To land wherever
And to pick up and go on

As I look out on my life
I don’t know what is out there now
I just know that I feel trapped
On the other side of my life
Where lives my potential, my voice.
Needing to be heard.
But I don’t know what to say.
Needing to be seen
But afraid to show myself
Needing to be free
But chained
When is it ok to let go
To be free

What if letting go
Means losing everything
That I have and know
What if letting go
Means starting over

What if letting go means not being the kind of wife that I used to be
Not being the kind of mother they need me to be
Not being the kind of whatever it was that I was supposed to be

Stretch marks and scars I have paid my dues
Tracks of my life Etched in my skin
I have earned the right to be beautiful
To feel free
To have a voice
To be desired
To be loved
To dance
To live
I am 45.