A practice of defiance.

In 2005, I remember sitting across the desk from my duck boss at the time and telling him that my workload was not sustainable. That something had to change. I realized in that moment that it was me who had to change. I had to learn to say no.

I did so by implementing what I call my defiance strategy, that included committing three acts of defiance, practicing imperfection, learning to listen to myself, and avoiding rooms with no doors. I gave myself one year to change my life, my body, my work and even my hair.  Truthfully everything was on the table at that time, even my relationships.

During that year, I worked a ridiculous amount of hours because the company for which I was working had just implemented a merger.  I was a corporate planner, so my job was to help get the ducks in a row.  Suffice it to say, easier said than done, when nobody really wants to be where they are.

I committed more than three acts of defiance that year, easily.  I started smoking, giving myself a deadline of a year to start and stop. I pierced my nose, tattooed my back, and generally allowed myself to rebel against the things that were holding me back. I fell for a while, but then I learned to fly eventually.

I wasn’t eating very much at the time, because I was working a lot, and when I get busy, I forget to eat.  One day I came to work from an out of town trip, and my friend came into my office and asked me if I had another pair of pants to wear. “Why? Is something wrong,” I asked. "The ones you are wearing are too big.” I took her advice and put on a skirt.

That night I went shopping, and realized that I had gone from a size eight to a size four without even noticing it.  I lost about 25 pounds, but then again, I couldn’t remember the last time I really ate.  At that point, I resolved to pay attention to my tendency to over perform at work and my diet.  I started saying no at work and paying attention to the parts of me that I had abandoned.  I learned to play the guitar (because I have a penchant for rock stars), and starting writing for the sole purpose of relocating my voice, so that I could hear what it was telling me to do and to think.  I started paying attention to how food felt in my body, and I started eliminating foods that didn’t feel good, which for me was white food in general: dairy, white flour, processed foods, cheese and meat.

I quit smoking one year after as per plan by basically grossing myself out. My favourite time to light up was after work on the way home.  I replaced my apres work cigarette with an apple (never underestimate the crunching effect) and a tofu shake because there is nothing more disgusting that smoking and tofu.

Every day after work I started going to the gym regularly and discovered “Centergy”, a class that combines Vinyasa style yoga, core strength and Palates. As I became healthier in my body, I became stronger in my self esteem. Things weren’t getting better at work. In fact, they were becoming more insane as the days went by.  I told my staff that we needed to keep our eye on our own ball.  Ironically, although the working environment was very difficult, I worked with the best team of my corporate career.  When the time was right, I made a decision to leave them to save their jobs, and myself.

Six years later, I am still practicing defiance. I started my own strategy and communications consulting business and abandoned the corporate world once I realized I was no longer prepared to give myself away to the machine.  I became a Centergy teacher at the gym, and a yoga teacher. I bought the job of my dreams, a magazine, becoming a publisher, and I wrote the book (soon to be released) that I hope changes the way we look at work, “How to be a Pink Flamingo in a Brown Duck Pond.”

 Practicing defiance is an art.  One must balance the needs of the self with the needs of the external world. This requires an inner strength that comes from having walked to the precipice and learned to fly.

Defiance is natural. It is not selfish.  It is more accurately an act of self respect.  Trees grow from rocks to find the sun.  Birds defy gravity. Babies are born kicking and screaming. We were meant to challenge the status quo - to walk against the traffic. That is the basis of all evolution since the beginning of time.  Defiance is the heartbeat of our existence, both individually and collectively.  It is the voice to the poet, the sculptor and the writer.  Defiance is the reason we innovate. It is the very essence of who we are.

The problem is, we do not understand the value of defiance, and the possibility that can arise from defiance and therefore we are afraid of it.  We are afraid that anarchy will break out if people are left to their own devices. We are conditioned to behave, politically and socially.  In our society, we tend to tolerate and condone by acceptance those who demonstrate controlling, narcissist behaviours in our leaders.

Defiance is a practice we personally can commit to just as we commit to compliance.  In my family, I have been the go to person for meals, family events, birthday cards, Christmas presents and general peace keeping.  This tendency for accommodation and peace keeping flowed in all parts of my life, from the food that I ate to my work life.

I worked long hours to prove myself and it paid off simply because I put in more time and practice than my counterparts.  I  produced excellent work as a result of hours of honing and practicing my art 12 to 20 hours a day instead of the usual eight that most people work. Self sacrifice is considered noble. Let's just say, I was practiced in the art of compliance well before defiance came into my life.

Saying no is difficult. Standing up is difficult, especially when those around you fold like a cheap suit. But if there is one thing I learned in my practice of defiance, self sacrifice does not feel good. Self respect does.