The Woman Wound Unwound

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Alexander McQueen, Lace Face Mask 
I have been married for 33 years, and my work life has been successful. However, there is something deep down inside that I have struggled with since my first memory, and that’s self esteem and self worth. Are we born with this or do we acquire it?  Is it nature or nurture? The fact is, everyone has an insecurity.  Some are just better at masking it than others. 

A recent article on Elephant Journal shares a woman’s journey. The author, Kara Leah-Grant, says the “Mother-Wound” is the source of this feeling of inadequacy. She describes the Mother Wound has having the following four characteristics: 

  • Comparison: not feeling good enough; 
  • Shame: consistent background sense that there is something wrong with you; 
  • Attenuation: Feeling you must remain small in order to be loved; and 
  • Persistent sense of guilt for wanting more than you currently have. 

Stop.  

Before you begin saying, ‘I have felt all those things at one time or another so I must have the Mother Wound’,  in the name of logic, stop.  There is a flaw in the ‘if this, then that’ scenario.  To say, ‘if I have all these characteristics, then I must have the Mother Wound,’ would be jumping to conclusions, and immediately accepting the notion that the Mother Wound even exists because the characteristics do. (I feel vindicated now that taking Logic 101 twice has finally paid off).   

In yogic terms, she says the Mother Wound is a series of “karmic knots”, which according to Dianne Morrin M.A., author of “Untying the Karmic Knot”, is a combination of 

past-life regression and life-between-lives regression uniting them as one amazingly powerful and effective process that brings healing to current life problems such as difficult relationship, depression, anger, addiction, phobias, abandonment issues, unexplained body pains, and more.  These problems have not originated in this life, but have been brought forward from a past life.” So, guilty as charged on the Mother Wound front. The good news is it’s not my baggage. The bad news is, if Morrin is correct, it is my problem too. 

The Eve of the Woman Wound

http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/media/5322/Adam-and-Eve-in-the-Garden-of-Eden-oil-painting
Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden,
 oil painting by Titian, c.
It seems very convenient and not too imaginative that the Woman Wound could be the explanation for what’s wrong, but maybe I am missing something, so I shared it on Facebook to see what others in my peer group thought.

One person who is extremely successful in business wrote back to me and said that this explains why her personal relationships are a mess.  Another woman was upset by the article, and barked at me on my Facebook page.  (I deleted it. Sorry, but I don’t accept barking on my page.)  Another said she was conflicted, and asked what my perspective was on this. 

Let me begin by saying, I don’t know what it all means.  When I googled “Women Wound” I was surprised to find pages of references, so clearly this is a topic of some discussion, at least by some people.

Mothers have been to blame since the beginning of time, and have been recorded as such.  The first woman to blame for human despair is Eve who picked the poison apple from the tree in the biblical Garden of Eden.  We have been blaming women ever since.

A New Question to Discover. 

I do not know if the Mother Wound is the source of our collective despair, but the answer to the question is in the question itself.  I believe the question is not, 'who is to blame?’; I believe the question to the answer is ‘Who am I?’ based on the following discoveries.  

Discovery #1. Everyone is afraid and insecure.   


I grew up a household. I won’t say traditional, because, A - I have no idea what that is, and B - I don’t think that exists.  I had two parents as do we all, either biologically or physically, or both, and my path has been pretty predictable.  I went to grade school where I was terrified most of the time and hoped not to be noticed.  In high school my ugly years were amplified, I felt, until about grade 11 when I started to look more like a girl than a boy.

I got married at the age of 19,  worked at a lot of jobs I never wanted to do again, had babies, went to university, graduated, got jobs and worked my butt off to prove that I was worthwhile, intelligent, and even outstanding in my field.

I have always had an eye for misfits (being one) and realized early that they would let me into the room if I could quell their insecurities and therefore be valuable - if I could do something that they could not do for themselves so they would be seen as the stars they so wanted to be.

I developed the fine art of listening and translating business into real language through the written word.  And so, with the secret of the universe that people are basically afraid and insecure under my wing, I wrote my way out of the cubicle and into the corner office from 1996 to 2011 until I decided to fly the coop.

Discovery #2.  Everyone wears a mask. 

Alexander McQueen  Lace Mask
Alexander McQueen described fashion as a a mask, something that I could always relate to.  I sacrificed more of myself in order to become something, I mean someone.  I traded off what was important to me for   . . . acceptance.

Over that 20 year period, I dedicated myself to being the best I could be at work, to prove my worth and somehow actually belong at the table as a decision maker.  I felt like an impostor, playing a role with the hope that they wouldn’t catch on that I was not worthy. 

My book collection included titles such as “Competing for the Future”, “Strategy Safari”, “Black Swan” and “Five Frogs on a Log”, as I immersed myself in learning the art and science of strategic planning.   One of my male bosses once told me, “you have to work for the job you want in order to get promoted,” so I worked, and worked, and eventually had to leave the company to get the promotion.  

One of my female mentors gifted me a rather expensive and impressive collection of clothes for $300, which I now understand to be her way of helping me to improve my image and perhaps my self esteem. That was a turning point in the way I was perceived at work and how I felt.   

Over the course of this journey, my income increased from $1,200/year as a school bus driver to $25,000 / year in 1996 to an executive salary in 2011 as I climbed the corporate ladder, as did the size of my closet and my shoe collection.  I always saw clothes as a protective albeit stylish layer in which to do battle in my corporate life.

Discovery 3. Rules of Engagement for Women and Men are Different 

Fantasy Warrior 
There are different rules in the world for women than there are for men, partly because society seems to have organized itself in this manner, and partly because of some of our root behaviours and perceptions.

When men are direct and assertive, it is seen as a sign of strength. When we do it, it is seen as a threat. When men look attractive, they are put together and professional. When women look attractive, they are judged. When men place a value on their time, it is seen as good business. When women place a value on their time, they are seen as ungrateful. Men get invited to the table for their minds. Women get invited to the table for their secretarial skills. Men network. Women lunch.

Discovery 4. The Mirror is Cracked. 

I can only speak for women, since that is my experience. I am sure that men feel this too, but they seem to spend less time wondering aloud what is wrong with them. As women we have been fighting our way to the top of our own lives since the beginning of time at home, at work, in society, and in stories.

Today I was talking with my daughter about this who is also a mother, and I asked her, who would we be if there were no mirrors?

We spend our valuable and important lives pondering our value as seen through the eyes of others. I did it too as a five year old child.  I used to believe I wasn’t attractive enough and waited for the change. That never happened and I am OK with what I see in the mirror. I used to believe I wasn’t smart enough, but I am smart enough to move corporations up hills, make decisions and follow through. I am smart enough to start companies and run them successfully.  

When I see my daughters wishing for a better reflection, I tell them, ‘You are the most beautiful and intelligent person that you will ever be today.”

What if we were to collectively and individually stop basking in the wounds of time and start taking our place in the world as we should.  I wish that we as women would get on with being everything that we can be, living in the present and always changing and moving forward, instead of wondering what’s wrong with us and who’s fault it is.  I wish that women would stop dwelling on what’s wrong with them, and start telling the world what’s awesome about women.

5.  The Answer is the Question, Who do I think I am?

I am Emily’s daughter. I am Kate’s granddaughter.  The spitting image of my grandmother Anne.

I am a mother of two beautiful daughters and a grandmother and friend.

My guiding mantra is to do good things and good things happen. I am karma.

I live in vision.  I am but one of many voices, a writer, a conduit in this human experience who uses words so that others may read this and say “me too.”

Sometimes I am insecure. Sometimes I am afraid.  I am defiant.  I am responsible for who I am and above judgement.  I am beyond labels.  I am free.  I am exactly who I want to be.  

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Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I would love to hear your comments. Thanks and have an awesome day. - Lynn