Losing my religion

That's me in the spotlight.  Losing my religion.  Trying to keep up with you.  I don't know if I can do it.  Oh no I said too much. I haven't said enough.

Something has happened to me and it changed me.  I thought it happened on the day that I stood up to bullying, but I was wrong. It happened long before that. It happened all along the way but I just didn't see it, and then one day I did.  One day the light went on and I could no longer accept what I had been allowing but could not see.  One day I saw what was there all along, and it was blinding. I had no choice but to react. To protect myself.  To say something.  It wasn't glorious. It was painful, and there were consequences for my defiance.  There continues to be. It was a battle ground that I wish I could have walked away from, but it seems that was not my destiny. On the day that I could finally see, I could not look away, or walk away.  I had to choice because my eyes were open and I was suddenly aware, covered in this blanket of hurt, despair and anger.

There were many times that I wished I could have undone that day. Ignorance would have been blissful.  It had been up to that point.  I collected big pay cheques and had impressive titles and offices.  I had been witness to instances that did not sit right with me, and even provided advice to peers about how to confront the issue. I encouraged them to confide in the CEO and file a complaint against their offender. They declined afraid of the consequences.  From 9 to 5, they went about their days after that ducking and weaving to avoid confrontations and altercations, keeping their head down in their offender's presence.

Then it happened to me and the course of my life changed.  I changed that day. On that day I fell from the sky and began to fade to white.  I became afraid and angry.  I retreated from the world for a time.  I regret that day, and I don't.  I wish it had never happened, but it did, and I had no choice in it, because somebody else made a decision to hurt me.  If I had to relive that moment, I would do exactly the same thing.  No question.

There are many words to describe what happened. In fact, I wrote it down in over 100 pages, single spaced, for 29 drafts and edited the words 7,000 times over a year in order to understand what happened and why it hurt so much.  My publisher was waiting in the wings until I was ready to fly again.  I have not published that story because, quite honestly, I don't feel safe doing so.

That is the nature of bullying. It makes people afraid.  It makes people retreat and duck and weave. We all avoid confrontation with the bully because the bully is mean and retaliation is certain.  So we let them off the hook and placate them, hoping they will inflict themselves on someone else and not us.

I made a decision never to tolerate or participate in abuse of any kind. I made a decision to do my part to create awareness through the means that are available to me, which includes my business life as a publisher and strategist, a writer, and a yoga teacher.

But it's not that easy.  What does it mean to not tolerate an action, as one person?   It turns out the ignorant go about their way recklessly inflicting damage while the enlightened feel the consequences of their actions.  I wish I knew the answer, but it seems to be getting worse, regardless of our awareness that there is a problem.

With social media, it's worse.  It seems anyone can say anything, and there is almost no way to stop it.  It's like turning off a single tap and expecting it to affect the ocean.  There are rules in the social media world but rules only govern the enlightened, leaving the ignorant running free.

It occurs to me that bullying is just one destructive outcome of a socially ignorant person who lacks emotional intelligence, and who very likely suffers from narcissism.  The truth is, these people do a lot of damage where ever they are and still we tolerate their behaviour.  Perhaps we should stop doing that and let them feel the consequence of their actions. Perhaps these people cannot be enlightened. Perhaps they are just broken ducks and we need to confront the behaviour. Not employ them. Not allow them to poison the flock. Not allow them to participate in the social world. It sounds harsh, but being part of a community is a privilege, and we need to protect each other.