Finding what I am looking for.

I remember the day, back in 2005, I was feeling kind of lost.  Like the world was tipping and I was about to fall off. Change was imminent. I knew it. I could feel it. The life that I was living did not quite fit as well as it used to.  Some how I became  . . . unsatisfied with that life, and I knew that changes had to be made.

I gave myself one year to change  . . . something.  I put in place a strategy that would challenge me to step off this ledge of my own making. To find the courage to fall, and land.  There were principles that I would follow:  to commit three acts of defiance; to seek to understand; to practice imperfection and to avoid rooms with no doors.  Throughout the year, I learned to say no to working long hours. I changed my diet, my hair, my body and even my job. I learned that I own my decisions, and that I alone open my own doors. I realized that my stories lead me to possibilities or contain me. I fell in love with the possibility of life, and I was changed.

Fast forward eight years to 2013.  Today I sat across the table from a former co-worker who was part of my life in those days, when I was a different person.  I felt uncomfortable, surprisingly.  Nervous in fact.  Nervous I think because I am no longer the person that I used to be, and I did not know how to relate to this person. We talked about work, family, children and things like that.  Nothing really earth shattering, but about everything that matters the most.

My friend noted that I look very different than we we last met, when I was immersed in a very difficult work environment, literally fighting my way to freedom.  I heard myself say, I am not that person anymore. She does not exist.

I thought it was interesting that I referred to my former self in the third person.  How peculiar, I thought.  We talked about how life's obligations and responsibilities take us to places that we may not otherwise choose if it occurred to us to make a choice.  How raising a family, and paying for houses, etc. lead to jobs that can be less than inspiring, or worse yet, place one in a situation where "sucking it up" is the only way to survive.  My friend said, "most of us never break the chains like you did."

Chains. Another interesting word.  The fact is, I was at the time without knowing it, living in a world not my own.  I was a corporate strategic planner, working among the brown ducks, helping them to waddle in a linear fashion up the hill of what's next.  I never really fit in, but each day I would do my best, hoping that being good at my job was enough.  The funny thing is, I enjoyed my job. In fact, I loved it, until I didn't.  And then the love affair came to a brutal and teary end. I was treated badly and I decided to stand up this time.

In Book 1, "How to be a Pink Flamingo in a Brown Duck Pond", I wrote:  "On that day, I fell from the sky and began to fade to white."

It was not fun to leave, but there was no way back to this place. No way back to the person I used to be. The experience changed me.  It actually freed me, although at the time I was devastated.

Since then, I made the decision to do what I would do if I could not fail. If money were not an issue. If the word "failure" did not exist.  In doing so, I changed the colour of my sky.

I decided to take a chance on myself and do what I always wanted to do someday.  I started my own consulting practice to help private enterprise and non-profits develop strategies and get the word out  the way I used to help corporations.  A year later, I bought a magazine and created a publishing company to tell the stories of entrepreneurs, non profits and private businesses and their creators. I wrote a book about my life as a pink flamingo in a brown duck pond.  I began studying to become a yoga teacher.

In my old world, I can't say I ever noticed the colour of the sky.  Now the colour of my sky changes every day, with each season and each entrepreneur whom I meet. The colour of my sky changes with every opportunity to tell a great story about the real people who live and work in their own vision and passion. The best thing is, I am aware and in awe of its possibility.   

Now I work with people who have a desire to get somewhere in this decade.  It is rewarding to see a new museum opening, or a company growing at the speed of  light, knowing that I have had some part in helping to make it happen.  I love hearing that people are being seen because of what I do.

My yoga practice, both as a teacher and student has helped me to connect with the person that was always inside of me.  In my search to find what I was looking for, my yoga practice is the safe place to question boundaries.  My teachers facilitated this change, encouraging me to find new edges to explore and discover the stories that I have used to hold myself back from being my true self, from finding what I am looking for.

As a yoga teacher, I hope to be able to help facilitate another person's journey, as my teachers facilitated mine, so that they may find what they are looking for.

Today I realized that I found what I was looking for, and it was within me all along the way.