Whether you believe in Karma, God, or the Universe, there are voices that we must listen to and lessons to be learned in this journey.
Last year I made a difficult decision to leave my job after finally realizing that I could no longer sustain the situation. My leaving was not premeditated or planned, nor was it intentional or engineered. It was my decision, however, and it was difficult.
The situation had been eroding for some time, but I told myself it would get better. I even set a time frame: "In 6 months, this will be a bad dream, and things will be better".
I am an extrovert, but this situation sent me inward. It made me afraid and untrusting. I disconnected from friends, family and many activities that I had enjoyed. I stopped going out in public for about four months, while I tried to understand what had happened and how to reconcile the situation. I was devastated by the situation, fearful and speechless.
As in any type of divorce, we agreed to part with terms and scars. I told myself, "In six months, this will be a bad memory".
With the help of friends and family, I did my best to carry on and rebuild my career and my life before this burden could catch up with me. I started a company with a focused brand and market strategy. I live and work by the belief that if you do good things, good things come. I work pro-bono for worthwhile social initiatives that help make peoples' lives better.
I have worked to build new relationships and prove myself in the new playground of my making among my community of peers. I dove into my physical fitness goals and I am in the best physical shape of my life. I have a beautiful family and home. I am lucky. I know.
Try as a I might, this wound would not heal. I have not been able to answer the question: why did you leave without qualifiers and obfuscating explanations.
In her book, "Persuasion" Arlene Dickinson talks about being able to trust people who tell the truth. People sense when there is something not being said. I have been holding back, trading my authenticity for a burden that is not mine.
Heaven bent to take my hand,And lead me through the fire to the long awaited answer through a long an painful fight
On four separate occasions, I was asked about what happened, as if Karma, the Universe or God is demanding an authentic response from me. Once again, I could not say it, and instead talked around it.
I can feel them withdraw and see the questions in their eyes as they study my response wondering what I am not saying. I feel my credibility slipping away each time.
Freedom is not freedom without truth, however. I have been protecting this truth, still afraid of the words and how they sound. But I have no choice but to say this out loud or carry on another year feeling responsible for this burden.
My decision was not about work. I loved my work. It was about having the self-respectand dignity to draw a line that had been crossed and a collision of values that was beyond reconciliation.
I have begun to forgive and understand, not because it will matter to them, but because it will matter to me and my life.